...when I really ponder and am honest about the huge amount of hurts I've inflicted throughout my life. It is true that most of it was done without prescience. It is also true that nearly all of it has been from arms swinging while I was fending off my own hurts. However, the wake of destruction is wide and choppy, and has destroyed even some of the shoreline.
It is such a strange thing, because it's almost like there was another Shannon. I share her experiences and her memories. I share the good qualities plucked from her, and even still some of the shortcomings and defects. I don't know when she left this earth, or if she is just hermiting in a cave somewhere, but I am not her. At least I don't feel like her. Maybe a far removed relation of her, but not her.
And yet, there is this whole path of destruction out there...which I think only now I am beginning to look at, boots on the ground, and realise the vastness of the swath of devastation. And I can only stand immobilized forcing myself to not look away, to not think of it as something detached from me. And it hurts. It hurts deep down to the core of my being, and yet I know that I can only and must just breathe down into that pain and not pull away. Breathe down into the pain of self-realisation, hoping with my entire being that this agony, too, is yielding to new life. Yielding to new life both for me, and for the casualties I left behind.
The crazy part of being human is that we can hold within us both identities-- those that come with the memories of Us Past, and those that we occupy now--and still be Us.
ReplyDeleteYou can look back on that you and think about how awful she was, or see how how far you've come. So far that you can't even see that far back and still relate to That You.
This is called growth. If we didn't do it, we'd still be back there. But, we're not. We're here. And we've grown. And we're better people now than we were then, and we'll be even better if we continue to learn from our past and not just beat ourselves up for it.
you are a reflective, honest, kind person NOW. you are still growing and still learning and evolving and that is the essence of human.
yes, breathe down into it and now that these are the pains of growth. and growth is good.
I really dig the you that is now. But, I probably would have dug the you that was you then, too.
Thank you for that....it was just-exactly-what I needed right now. I am so thankful for the gift of my incredible, inspirational friends. Thank you for helping me on my stumbling journey of SHannonhood.
ReplyDeleteI believe we can trust that whatever hurt we have inflicted unknowingly will not be counted as evil in the great scheme of things. It may remain as a huge pain for someone, but - as your previous blog entry mentions - it is destined as a wake-up call, an occasion for growth for them. Don't torture yourself - just perhaps pray that whoever was hurt by you should actually benefit from that hurt spiritually, as they were meant to.
ReplyDeleteBarbara
As always, Barbara, that is sage counsel. I think it's not so much a matter of self-torture, though, as taking in with honesty ALL of me. A bringing into the light, so to speak. But just like emerging from a cave, we are at first overcome and stunned by the light, and it takes a little while for or eyes to adjust so that me might proceed with clarity of focus.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few things that I have done that I truely wish to erase. Some things that I comitted to and did not give 100 percent or didn't pull through because I was at a spot in my personal life where confusion and hopelessness warred. It took a long time before I realised that God might have given me a roadmap, but that I still needed to do the walking myself. When I look back now, I still see those places where I stood still and destroyed things, oportunities, or hurt people. Never by intentions, but never the less, through my own fault. Looking back at those moments still makes my stomach churn. I am tempted to try and go back, to try and make ammends. Sometimes that is needed, but most cases that I think of are cases of spilled milk, long cleaned up and forgotten by everyone except my conscience.
ReplyDeleteWhen I look at that, I try to look not just at the destruction, but also on the path since taken. On the distance between myself and that person that I was. It helps. A bit.
I just want to say how much I love you. I'm not very philosophical nor much of a wordsmith, but I just wanted to send you a hug of encouragement. The effort you put into bettering yourself is something I admire very much. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThanks Eva...thanks Jennifer....and especially thank you for loving me despite my ginormous flaws. It gives me courage and conviction to go on when things are really hard.
ReplyDeleteIt's a mystery living in this life....living in the Now and the Not Yet. Christ has finished the work on the cross and he imputes HIS righteousness to us, yet, we are NOT YET glorified....He will return. Yet, we live in the NOW, waiiting, struggling. But it's better to be FREE TO STRUGGLE than struggling to be free, if that makes any sense. Free to learn and grow and confess and repent, and not be bound by our past. Knowing that HE is refining us. Often, it's not fun at all...to go through the fire, to be burned, to burn others. But, rest in the fact that you are his and that is a very freeing place to be!
ReplyDeleteAshlie (Winterville/Pool girl)